The Insidious Patriarchal Grooming of Women’s Pain

Taught to endure, expected to smile—until our bodies broke

Dearest Reader,

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There’s only one way to kill a frog if you want to cook it—or at least, that’s how the story goes.

If the water in your pot is already boiling, the frog will immediately recognize the temperature and jump out. The key is to set the frog into cool water—a seemingly soothing place, resembling comfort and the waters of her home.

She will settle in there nicely—becoming acclimated to her little pot. Then slowly—ever so slowly, turn the temperature up. But not too much! The frog will recognize the temperature difference and escape.

The key is to acclimate the frog’s body temperature, as it absorbs the rising heat, ever so incrementally—so that she does not notice, until it’s too late.

The boiling frog is a harrowing metaphor for so many of us, especially as women and trauma survivors—that have been expected to intrinsically or extrinsically “absorb” pain in our daily lives which has resulted in insidious harm.

Recently, Doctor Gabor Maté spoke up about the temperature of the water women live in and how it’s boiling us alive already:

“Women have 70-80% of autoimmune diseases. They’re also twice as likely to be diagnosed with PTSD. And much more likely to be prescribed anti-anxiety and anti-depression medications. During the COVID epidemic, the New York Times had a headline entitled: “Society’s Shock Absorbers.” And they were saying that women took on a role of absorbing the stresses of their families and their spouses during the COVID pressures and they feel guilty when they weren’t successful. —In alleviating their families or spouses stresses—they felt guilty. Society’s shock absorbers.

—And if you understand how a culture that imposes its own expectations on certain groups, adding to their stress, then there’s absolutely nothing mysterious about why women have more autoimmune disease. It just so happens that if you look at the culturally assigned role of women in a patriarchal society, those are all the characteristics that women are supposed to take on. And they’re meant to feel guilty if